Toilet Training for Dummies . . . and Men. (Same Principles Apply)

I just cleaned all the bathrooms in my house and I have a couple of questions. Why is it that boys who can hit a round basket in a school gym can’t hit a round bowl in a bathroom? And why is it that men who can look up and hit a bird in motion with a bullet can’t look down and hit a stationary object with a pee stream?

For those women who are as frustrated as I am with the lack of urine control in our men and boys, I have a few thoughts on the subject.

1. Our guys aren’t hygienic idiots. They have learned to shower a few times a week and change their underwear occasionally. Maybe they just need extra coaching. Perhaps they have a urination disability and never became pee-pee proficient. If that’s the problem, then we should simply hire certified tinkle trainers.

2. Or it could be that what they need are better methods of motivation. I gave my boys what we called “Potty M & Ms” as a reward for learning to use the toilet when they were two. Maybe now, at age “Old enough to know better”, we could still use bribery to motivate our sons and their fathers to hit the toilet. We could reward good behavior, or in this case, good aim, with “Leave the commode clean candy” or “Piddle in the middle money”.

3. We might try requiring that they clean the bathrooms they use. We could teach them that if they can’t take a bathroom break without spraying down the four walls, they can take a rag and clean it up. This makes the most sense but it would require that they be at home for more than the time it takes to eat, drink, and (at my house) watch UK play basketball. It seems that they only have the time to relieve themselves and rum. But ladies, don’t you think we should at least require that they finish relieving themselves before they start running?

4. My personal, creative solution is to take the UK over-the-door basketball hoop that my son got for his birthday and superglue it to the toilet rim. If my guys won’t try to hit the bowl for me, maybe they will score their shots for the University of Kentucky. They could get points every time their shot goes through cleanly. We’ll call the game “Wee-Wee for the Wildcats”. So far, I think this has the most potential for success at my house.

Last Resort: If all else fails, I think we should seriously consider supergluing some other things to the toilet rim.