Running Away With Alz

Recently, The Today Show did a segment about Alzheimer’s Disease. A specialist in the field said normal aging can cause a person to temporarily forget a word but she should eventually be able to recall it. The effects of Alzheimer’s cause you to totally forget things like where you laid your keys.

I panicked.

I tried to turn off the show but I couldn’t remember where I had put the remote. As I watched the rest of the segment, I decided that it would be prudent to plan for my future with Alz. So, I made the following list. When I feel the first urge to wander the town in my gown, robe and house shoes, I will be mailing it to everyone I know.

1. I need a good handyman to come to my house and put special latches on all the doors to keep me from running away. If you see me swipe a screwdriver and walk off with it, follow me. There’s a good chance you’ll find my keys and the remote control.

2. I need someone to lock up our sailboat, move our horses and put a tracker on all our vehicles to keep my husband from running away.

3. When I find a way to disable the door latches, I will need a woman with an eye for fashion to color coordinate my gowns, robes and house shoes. I’d hate to look tacky on the days that Alz and I run off together.

4. I need all my friends to take up a collection and put my beautician on retainer. She’s in charge of keeping my hair colored. And the moment I crawl into my death bed, help her push it over to the kitchen sink so we can all do a quick dye job. If I have to go through eternity with gray roots, I’m holding every one of you responsible.

5. I need the women who are under 40 and can still see well, to check my makeup when you find me wandering. Wipe and blend, girls. Wipe and blend. Feel free to lick a finger if you have to.

6. I need the women who are over 40 to step in and take care of the children I still have at home. It shouldn’t be hard. Just feed them, force them to clean something and occasionally leave them somewhere so they feel like I’m still in charge.