Food Network Television: A Review From My Couch

I have already mentioned that my husband likes to watch Iron Chef America, a one-hour cooking competition, on the Food Network.  What you might not know is that there are about 200 episodes of Iron Chef America and we have watched 450 of them.  At least it seems that way.

I have often wondered what draws my husband to the show.  It isn’t an abundance of pretty women or even a little bit of comedy.  And it definitely isn’t the amount of action involved . . . unless you consider using a knife to chop delicate herbs or julienne fresh vegetables to be action . . . and most men I know do not.

This week, I asked my husband why he likes the show.  He said that when he watches Iron Chef America, he learns things he did not know before. If you know my husband, you know that makes sense.

In an act of spousal solidarity, I decided to pay attention as I watched the show and see if I learned things that I did not know.  So while my husband was at work, I sat down on the couch with a diet coke to drink, a bowl of popcorn to eat and a fork to stab into my legs to keep myself awake.

I watched an entire episode of Iron Chef America.  This is what I learned.

1)  Liver, whether marinated through, herbed over, liquored up or salted down, is still a gelatinous blob of yuck.

2)  No television commentator should be able to use the words “blood sausage” and “ice cream” in the same sentence and still collect a pay check.

3)  The New York City power grids can heat Radio City Music Hall, light up Yankee Stadium, and power the NYC subway system or they can run the appliances on Iron Chef America.

4)  There is a lot of liquor floating around in the Iron Chef America stadium.  I’m just sayiing.

5) None of the professional iron chefs or their assistants, called sous-chefs, wear gloves on their hands while cooking.  They evidently adhere to the wash your hands and go philosophy of culinary arts.  That absolutely works for me as long as they also wash their hands after they “go”.

6)  No woman wearing a shapeless chef’s jacket with steam on her glasses and chicken innards in her hair should smile into a video camera.  But she should consider pilfering a bottle or two of the floating liquor because her chances for getting dates after the competitions are not looking good.

7)  Men sweat a lot when they cook.  I was amazed at how they dealt with that problem.  Some of them dabbed it with their hand towels.  Others of them smeared it on their aprons.  The men with their hands full just wiped it with the sleeves of their jackets and let the excess fall into their sauces.  From this, I learned that women must make adjustments when following a man’s recipe.  We should either wrap men who cook in cellophane to keep their body fluids out of the food.  Or we should add a little extra salt when we make their sauces.

8)  Apparently, if you cook for Iron Chef America . . . and you take a gabunch of obscure culinary tools, use them one time and then strew them across every inch of your cabinet space . . .and you dirty enough pots and pans to fill a double bowl sink hole . . . and your culinary work area resembles a food fight battlefield . . .

And then you simply walk away when you finish cooking . . .

Without even looking back . . .

While you are gone . . .

KITCHEN FAIRIES SHOW UP TO CLEAN!!

THEY LEAVE THE WORK AREA SPOTLESS FOR THE NEXT COOKING EPISODE!!

Now that is something I could learn from Iron Chef America!

Who will tell me where to find those fairies?

Really!  Who will tell me?

And are there laundry fairies that get the food stains out of your white, chefy shirts?

Or hygiene fairies that wash the smell of bacon from your hair?

Come on, guys, I really would like to know.

I won’t tell anyone your secrets.  I promise.

It will be just between you and me . . . and my husband . . . and the other 12 people that watch the show.